So this is the first time I have really just laid it all on the line and let all my inner thoughts blow in the wind to be seen and heard by anyone. It has been hard to always try to keep a smile on my face and a laugh in my voice when I am around my friends and loved ones. Some days are harder then others and sometimes the pretend is real and felt. I find some days impossible to get out of bed and can't even get the energy up to feed my self or shower. I am consumed by thoughts and feelings that lie to me and feed me all the little insecurities about who I am. Am I a woman? Am I worthy? Do I deserve this? Why me? This inability to secure the most important thing in my life has broke me down to my core. You start by trying to mend things and stop the dam from leaking but as each patch starts to wear the dike starts to leak. Sometimes you need extra hands to help you reinforce the patch to ensure it doesn't burst. This is my way of reaching out and trying to find a few more hands.
When I was nineteen I continually found my self in a doctors office trying to discover what was the cause of all the pain I had been dealing with. Each doctor would look me over tell me it was just part of being a woman and was I possibly pregnant. Every time I would tell the Doc hey I am not sexually active they would just dismiss it because obviously I was lying. When I started to work at Chili's a wonderful coworker told me about a certain Doctor by the name of Dr. Gross. As luck would have it he was covered by my insurance so I made a date for a visit. It only took me telling Dr. Gross my symptoms and a pelvic exam for him to decide I needed exploratory surgery. He was almost positive of the cause but could not confirm until surgery. I was diagnosed with Stage IV endometriosis and after surgery I was told that if I wanted a family that now would be the time to start but at twenty I was not ready to be a mother so instead I went through menopause and a cessation of mensing for two and a half years. Unfortunately about six years later I was back on the operating table having endo removed again. This time it was everywhere and not just on the outside of organs anymore it had burrowed in. They found endo on the inside of my bladder, my colon and small intestines which came as quite a shock to my doctors. Now almost two years later I am working on a third surgery to ensure that I will be accepted into an IVF program.
My dear husband and I have been actively trying for a good two years with almost eight years of unprotected sex. In all those years we have never once conceived which obviously is bad news for us even though we were aware that we were going to have to deal with some hurdles. It turns out they are rather large hurdles in fact to get over them we would need something the size of a brontosaurus to scale it. But no matter I have my climbing boots on and I am ready for the adventure that is to come. I know it is going to be a grueling climb but with some extra hands we will prevail no matter what the outcome.
The hope is to conceive and have a live birth with a bundle of joy to bring home, to get the chance to feel a life move inside me. I want all the doctors appointments and the utter amazement of seeing it's little face for the first time. I want to go through all the hell to deliver a beautiful wonder and have it laid on my chest so as to feel it's heart beat with mine. I want the frustration that comes with trying to learn how to latch and to feel the sense of accomplishment when we finally get it right. Take me to all the birthing classes, take me to all the parenting classes, let me go to the hospital to discuss my birth plan. These are all the things I hope for all the things I long for these pleasures and pains that come with motherhood.
